The Intruder

One of my big struggles in life continues to be my efforts to overcome use of food as a drug. But it is no longer (at least temporarily, anyway)my biggest struggle. I'll get to that a little later. I continue to attend ARP meetings weekly in an effort to overcome my addiction to food. Currently I am using the 'eat to live' diet. I have lost a few pounds on that and feel like it may be a keeper. It is basically a vegetarian diet. Strict, no animal products for the first six weeks, then reintroducing them a little bit after that. I am not perfect at it but I think it will help me step away from the edge of diabetes and that is high on my priority list. I especially like this diet because I don't have to measure anything. I can eat as much veggies as I want and plenty of fruit too. Awesome! I really hate measuring my food. The lack of obsessing over quantities really helps to minimize the usual obsessiveness that comes with a diet. It is also possible that a diet high in fruit and veggies can shrink intruders like mine.
The intruder is a small tumor that has taken up residency in my brain. It is an unwanted and unwelcome guest. It is tiny and I am blessed to have caught it this early and before any symptoms appeared. It just adds so much stress! I try to be nonchalant about it but then I worry that I won't learn what I'm supposed to from the experience so in an effort to feel the threat of it to the point it will inspire me to live my life differently I spend some time learning what I can on the internet. That starts to freak me out about it which leads me to take some time off of thinking about it and then I try to be nonchalant again and so forth. I've heard people describe the experience of a serious health challenge as a roller coaster of emotions and never really understood what it meant. I am beginning to comprehend.
This week I seem to be at a lower point. My patience with others is severely lacking and my temper is rather short. I am in no mood to deal with some of the people I have to deal with at work (meaning some of the students, the coworkers are pretty awesome). Teenagers are sooooo self-consumed and petty sometimes. Sometimes I'm above it and can be ridiculously patient with them and sometimes I don't seem to have the patience to give them a milimeter of leeway. It seems so random but maybe it's not. I'll have to be more alert and aware.
In the way of brain tumors, what I have is probably one of the best you can have. It is a meningioma which is benign by definition. It is located on the surface of my left parietal lobe not tucked down deep where it would be difficult to get to. The problem is the growth it is displaying. In a year's time it nearly tripled in size. This is probably not good. In the fall I will have another MRI to determine if it is continuing this pace. If it is, then we will have to discuss a course of action. Most often this type of tumor is treated with surgery and/or radiation.
All of this leads to so very many questions and scary thoughts. What kind of symptoms would arise first? If surgery is required, who should I have do the surgery and where? What is the procedure? What kinds of medications will be necessary? How will I react to them? How long will it take? What kind of anesthesia do they use? Am I allergic to it? Do I have to be awake for the surgery? Do they have to shave my whole head? Will my kids be able to visit me in the hospital? How long would I need to stay in the hospital? How long would I be out of commission? How painful will it be? How long will the pain last? What could go wrong? Will there be a need for rehabilitation of any kind? If I start to have symptoms, will the surgery correct them? What if I lose my ability to understand speech? Will I have to learn to sign? Will I be able to read? If they have to do radiation, will it make me sick? What kind of sick? Will my hair fall out? How long will it take before it grows back? What if I lose the use of my right arm or right leg? Will it be permanent or will the surgery and/or therapy bring it back? Will I have to use a wheelchair or a walker? How are my husband and children going to handle all of this?
How are they handling it now? That is a question I could spend a little time on right now. Bruce has been stoic as ever. He has prayed and fasted about it and felt calm so he figures everything's going to be fine. Most of the time I'm pretty darn sure he's right. I don't think the Lord blessed us to find it so early for no reason. I think this is a trial that will eventually help me to serve Him better by being able to relate to others who are going through difficult trials. I don't believe this will kill me but I don't think it's going to be any fun.
Avery has been taking it in stride. She hugs me more often than she used to and is slower to get angry with me. I'm grateful for this. I hope she can continue to be strong but I won't hold her to it.
Garret has been the most bothered by it. He did pretty well until the day I got a blessing from my dad and Bruce. That's when he started to get worried. We talked about it on the way home from my parents and we had a pretty spiritual experience. That's when we found out Bruce had already prayed and fasted about it. When Bruce told them this, Garret felt a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest and he knew everything was going to be fine. It was great! His behavior has been a little more eratic since then though. He is a mama's boy so he is very affected by anything that has to do with me. If I have to go away for some reason, he takes it the hardest and always has. So, I'm sure the possibilities frighten him a lot.
All I can say is this house guest is definitely not welcome! It just ought to know that and disappear before it takes a beating. I'm grateful to all my friends and family who have kept me in their prayers and put my name on the prayer rolls at temples all over the place. They are the ones that strengthen me to withstand whatever the future may hurl at me.

Verbal Diarrhea

This is meant to be a private journal so if you are seeing this and have any ethics at all, could you please let me know what to do to make it private? This technically inept blogger would greatly appreciate it.

so here goes, i am hardly going to bother with punctuation and proper grammar, spelling will be optional as well. all i want to do in this blog is spit out the crap that infests my brain so i can be more normal when interacting with the world the rest of the time.

i'm in recovery. not for drugs, though it feels like a drug, not for alcohol, though it has definitely been a depressant in my life, not for sexual deviance, though it has certainly impacted my sex life, but for overeating. our modern world worships food and nowhere more than in the united states, my home. you need only look at any form of media to know this. for cripe's sake, we have a network dedicated to food alone and good luck finding a news show without a cooking segment. if not included within a show or within the content of a newspaper or magazine, you will certainly find commercials that are calculated to make you worship some food item to the point you drag yourself across town to experience it. it's the cruelest of jokes to be addicted to overeating. you don't have to have a cigarette to survive. you don't have to have a beer to survive. you don't have to have sex to survive, though some men might argue that point. but you absolutely cannot survive without food. you must eat, typically several times each day, in order to continue functioning on this planet. diet programs prescribe the exact items and quantities you must eat to lose weight. this has the exact opposite effect to what is needed by those of us addicted to overeating. instead of getting us to think about and do other things, diets increase our obsession with food. which virtually always ends in an eventual breakage of diet, gaining it all back and typically a minimum of five more lbs on top.